Monday, April 04, 2005

 

Maher: Abstinence Pledges Suck -- Literally

Abstinence pledges suck -- literally
As news spreads that teens who pledge chastity have lots more kinky sex, millions of aging boomers ask: Where was Bush when I was in high school?

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By Bill Maher
Courtesy of Salon

April 1, 2005 | New Rule: Abstinence pledges make you horny. A new eight-year study just released reveals that American teenagers who take "virginity" pledges of the sort so favored by the Bush administration wind up with just as many STDs as the other kids.

But that's not all -- taking the pledges also makes a teenage girl six times more likely to perform oral sex, and a boy four times more likely to get anal. Which leads me to an important question: where were these pledges when I was in high school?

Seriously, when I was a teenager, the only kids having anal intercourse were the ones who missed. My idea of lubrication was oiling my bike chain. If I had known I could have been getting porn star sex the same year I took Algebra II, simply by joining up with the Christian right, I'd have been so down with Jesus they would have had to pry me out of the pew.

For a bunch of teens raised on creationism, these red state kids today are pretty evolved -- sexually, anyway, and for that they can thank all who joined forces to try and legislate away human nature, specifically the ineluctable urge of teenagers to hump.

Yes, the "What do we tell the children?" crowd apparently decided not to tell them anything. Because people who talk about pee-pees are potty-mouths. And so armed with limited knowledge, and believing regular, vaginal intercourse to be either immaculate or filthy dirty, these kids did with their pledge what everybody does with contracts: they found loopholes. Two of them to be exact.

Is there any greater irony than the fact that the Christian Right actually got their precious little adolescent daughters to say to their freshly scrubbed boyfriends: "Please, I want to remain pure for my wedding night, so only in the ass. Then I'll blow you." Well, at least these kids are really thinking outside the box.

There's a lot worse things than teenagers having sex, namely, teenagers NOT having sex. Here's something you'll never hear: "That suicide bomber blew himself up because he was having too much sex. Sex, sex, sex, non-stop. All that crazy Arab ever had was sex, and look what happened."

Well, that's our story -- of how faith and the party of smaller government combined to turn your kids into a generation of super-freaks. Which shouldn't be surprising: Prohibition didn't work, "Just say no" didn't work, and I understand there's a host of Americans who illegally obtain and smoke marijuana. They're the ones who've been giggling every time I say anal sex.
Comments:
Maher's hilarious. When's Stephie gonna be on Real time???? Did they have a falling out?
 
Thanks for posting this! No HBO in my place and I miss Bill to the max!

How about starting a realtime show blog, btw?

ShelaghC
Unfiltered Refugee
 
Extra crispy CHEERs program tidbit


One thing you might have missed about the CHEERS program. You get to keep the comcorder! I heard about this program on a different Air America program a while back. One of the enticements was that the participants get to keep the camcorder that the parent was to use to document the impact of the pesticides on their children. Also to participate in the program, I also believe that they stipulated that the pesticides had to be applied in the child's environment, bedroom, kitchen and playroom, etc.
 
Hey Stephie, is Bill brash or what?

Bill hit the Bull's eye for the next hilarous diversion for Tom Delay and 24/7 news.

Why not invite him as a guest contestant on "I've got a Secret"??? Bill might be a blind folded contestant.

Are you down with it??
 
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Ten Years from now..."Kids exposed to pesticides and the Mothers who exposed them for money, NEXT, on the Jerry Springer Show"

Hello Blog, Came here from Air America Radio since they saw fit to replace Lizz and Rachal with, get this, Jerry Springer... (eech)
 
Gee... I went to school in the 70s, and we didn't need any encouragement other than pregnancy prevention to seek such "kinky" practices! Besides, they were FUN!
 
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