Tuesday, March 15, 2005



If this were the New York Post the headline would read, "WITH WIFE 3000 MILES AWAY, CONSERVATIVE TALK HUNK CAUGHT WITH ARMS AROUND SEXY LIBERAL IN SANTA MONICA HOTEL." Blurry pictures on back page.

Well, I’m not the New York Post...yet. But the headline could just as well appear in the Christian Science Monitor. Because it’s true.

Now, before you go any further, proper journalistic disclosure a must (so I probably will never be in a White House press conference) let it be known that this past week I guested on Hannity and he kindly pushed my book, "Great Failures of the Extremely Successful." He didn't have to. Especially the way I regularly rip into him. But he did and as his wont, my book sales skyrocketed. Ah, to be a hot conservative talker.

Okay, now the dish.

Forget tree huggers. Sean Hannity is worse. Far worse. He is a liberal hugger. Really. And I saw it with my own wittle eyes.

This past Friday I stood in the lobby of Loew’s Hotel, on the Santa Monica beach in California, but I might as well have been in Hell about ready to freeze over.

I spotted two of the most gorgeous faces in talk radio. The ever-blossoming syndicated liberal talker, Stephanie Miller, and mega-star, talk show god, Sean Hannity. What were these two from opposite sides of the room and even further opposite sides of the political spectrum, doing in a hotel thousands of miles away from their east coast bases of operation and without their mates? I was soon to get an answer.

From across the room, their eyes met. Fire and ice. David and Goliath. Steph and Sean. It wasn’t a quick hug. You know, the way Sean might hug Ann Coulter, or say, Ted "Hiccup" Kennedy. This one lasted I don’t how long. I was much too flabbergasted to check my watch, if I actually wore one.

Will his listeners ever forgive him? What a silly question. They’d forgive him if he had an affair with a liberal. Perhaps they best get ready.

Where would this seemingly sordid episode of sinful, non-conservative values (except if you were Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Bill Bennett, et al) lead to. I would never find out as the luncheon of talk radio executives and hosts at the annual Radio and Records Talk Radio Seminar was about to start. And with Sean as the featured speaker, he would have had to make his seamy liaison with Miller a quickie.

A gathering of radio bigwigs is a real eye-opener. First of all, you find out real quick why none of them, short of Fox News, ever made it in TV. Holy-makeover-necessity. And you’d wouldn't an exercise bike with a mile of most of them. Of course, the exception to both of those points is Hannity, though on his show he pshaws to death his soft-belly.

Second, you’re just amazed that these guys would ever be caught dead in the same hotel, let alone, same side of the country. The strange bedfellows who took part in the event were gloriously diametric.

Clear Channel and Air America. KFI (L.A. home of El Rushbo) and KTLK (L.A. home of El Franken), Ed Shultz and Mike Gallagher. Phil Hendrie and Tom Leykis. Mancow and Dr. Laura. Sean Hannity and Al Franken. Well, actually, while R&R couldn’t keep Sean and Steph apart (even with a crowbar it seems), they were smart enough to keep Sean and Al a day apart, as Franken would be the next day’s featured speaker.

Before I go any further, let me first say that Phil Hendrie, now that Albert and Mel Brooks have seen fit to disappear into the mediocrity of commercial filmdom, may be the funniest character on the face of the earth. Hendrie made the opening panel of the seminar his own satirical showcase. Not DJ-writing-service-joke funny. Satire at its edge best. It was unfair to the others on the panel, who actually thought they should give real answers to questions. Hendrie is smarter than that. He saved the serious stuff until after getting the execs attention with a character that worked just as well in person as it would on radio. And the serious stuff, which Leykis joined, took the radio execs in the audience and talk radio conservatives to task for their hypocrisy in NOT dealing with the FCC’s humongous fines and limiting of free speech or even slips of tongue. The big boys of Clear Channel, Premiere, Sirius and XM Satellite and such smiled uncomfortably. The way you do when your drunk girlfriend does when she tells her friends that you fart in your sleep. So fun.

When the closet liberal-hugger, Sir Hannity, hit the stage, after those who are making gazillions from his larger than life shadow quickly overtaking Sir Rush, finished genuflecting to his appearance, He went into his standup...

"I don’t care what Al Franken says about me. (Timing pause) Because no one hears him anyway."


"I’m only kidding." He wasn’t.

"Franken will speak to 500 people here tomorrow. (Timing pause). That’s more people than have heard his show all year."


"I’m only kidding." He wasn’t.

"Franken plays clips of me and Rush on his show. He’s using two good shows to save one bad one. (Timing pause) Genius. He’s on 30 bad stations. We’re on 500 good ones."

Clear Channel and ABC Radio network laughter.

"I’m kidding." He wasn’t.

Sean killed. To be fair (and balanced), he was only getting in his licks for what he expected to be Franken’s Saturday licks.

After his speech he ran off the stage and I could find neither hide nor perfect hair of he or Stephanie. Hmmm.

Next week: Franken shows up
What, no pictures?
Stephanie, you are worth making a big fuss about without debasing yourself with Sean Hannity.

Instead of interviewing Hannity, we scream for an interview with Brush Lintball. The gentleman who recommended the Democratic dating service.

We are curious about his experience with dating right wing chics. Does he have to make a pledge of allegance and meet them in church. Is he comparing them to the altruistic democratic girl who might be caught in an embrace for all to see and then talk him up on her blog???

Is this posting cryptic? Like did Steve Young hack into this blog to post this tattler article?

Stephanie, your phone line and blog are sirens tempting us sailors to crash on the rocks during working hours.
I read this article with a heavy heart and my fingertips were sweating. A hug … that’s OK … no biggy … W does it all the time with bald men! The huggers might be old friends with a different political viewpoint but if they were French kissing I would be really concerned 

Keep up the good work Stephanie and crew … persist in bringing the truth home to roost!

Madison, WI
Um. Who wrote this wondrously satirical, yet refeshing informative and poignant piece?

A Rather Attractive Yet Extremely Unknown Columnist
Why do we need to worry about Hannity and the pettiness about the steroids being investigated by Congress?
When we have an immoral war (am I being redundant), a polluting administration, war criminals in the White House and are busily ignoring all the ENRON, and Halliburton criminals? It's DIVERSion after DIVERSION!!
Here's something a little more important than Sean hugs:
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